Just found this website not too long ago. Had me laughing my ass off. It’s seriously funny, meaning, funny in a serious way. It’s a content-free encyclopedia, which means that there’s absolutely no substance there you can use.

It’s freaking funny!

This one’s on the clarinet! Hahaha, go read!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/clarinet
I haven’t stopped laughing yet. I want the clarinet-squared! You know, THE clarinet, haha.
“Piccolo clarinet (Otherwise known as the “squeaky one”)
Flute clarinet (Otherwise known as the flute)
Oboe clarinet (Otherwise known as the saxophone)
Regular clarinet (somehow, the French got involved with these ones, and they make ‘em pretty darn good)
Violin clarinet (A standard clarinet, only it takes 453845 years to get half a decent sound out of it)
Bass clarinet (Flat out, the worse kind of clarinet ever conceived)
Contrabass clarinet (An incredible tall hollow tree trunk)
Octocontrabass clarinet (An even deeper, larger, more incredibly hollow tree trunk)
Ziodberg clarinet (A clarinet that makes a distinctive “woop” sound)
Double Cello Contrabass Contrabassoon Clarinet (A black hole with strings attached)
The Mozart Clarinet of Gold (Otherwise known as the soprano saxophone, rumoured to have been discovered sometime in the late 1400s during Colombus’s search for El Dorado)
Clarinet-squared. It is THE clarinet, and they say that there is only one on this whole freakin’ planet. Numerous historical mention the appearance and the social and ecological impact of the Clarinet-squared, including panic, bankruptcy, jackpot, etc. All clarinetists dream of having access to this clarinet, but all of the people who actually witnessed the glorious appearance of the Clarinet-squared were actually flute players, who thought that the acquisition of the Clarinet-squared will dissolve the dominant power flutes held in ensembles and orchestra for centuries. It is said that the top flute players are the only ones who know of the true location of this legendary clarinet.”
And that’s just a small portion of it!

YiJia, read this!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Violin
“The Typical Violinist
Is Asian
Was forced to take lessons at the age of 6 months
Is Asian
Practises for 7 hours a day because of strict Asian parents
Is Asian
Did I mention they are Asians?
produce horrific noise
Is Asian
Chinasian
Little Chinese Girls who win every single competition known to man
Alex Jang of Winnipeg Manitoba
Chinese?”

And this too!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Flute
“To make a sound, the flute player blows across the hole on the end of the flute. Roughly 90% of the air is wasted and 9% makes it into the flute to make the sound. Nobody knows where the remaining 1% goes.”
Although the flute section is rarely out of perfect tune with each other, it has been known to occur. In such a situation, there is a code which all flute players follow. This code is so sacred that even band directors have been brainwashed into following it. The code goes by the name of “blame the piccolo player”.”
Luckily I don’t play the piccolo!

Clarinets aren’t supposed to be used for firewood! Oboes are!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Oboe
“And, one thing that will always be useful with an oboe is firewood; you simply need to snap it in half, and the pour a small amount of gasoline on top. Light a match and you’ve got yourself a nice, cosy little fire to  cook dinner on. Now that’s a great use.”
But are you sure you can afford that “firewood”?

The saxophone!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Saxophone
“A saxophone can be a man’s best friend, in fact, many famous sax players have been known to buy special leads to take their saxophones out for walks in the park.”
Reminds me of this awesome saxophonist I saw at this concert. Must have taken a lot of control to play that well. NO, I AM NOT A CONTROL FREAK.

The trumpet.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Trumpet
“The linking factor is that all trumpet players are wankers.”
“The repertoire of the trumpet consists mainly of Concertos and Fantasies in F, but in the work widely accepted to be the most representative of the trumpet is Paul Hindermith’s Sonata in FFFF.”
That’s real loud.

The French Horn.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/French_horn
“The horn that the French attempted to invent themselves was a total, complete failure. However, it inspired the invention of the modern aluminium baseball bat.”
That’s really random. Uh, French horn and aluminium baseball bats?
“The point is, a French horn player can be any person with an excessively odd personality, and, paradoxically, doesn’t even have to be French.”
Imagine a Singaporean horn player?

The bassoon. Really weird instrument, if you ask me.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Bassoon
“Apart from torture, the bassoon is vital for survival on isolated islands when stranded. The bassoon can be used to scare off predators, make a long lasting fire and make such loud noises it has the ability to notify any person in a twenty mile radius. Notably, it is why the characters in the TV show Lost have not been found yet.”
Carry a bassoon everywhere you go! It looks heavy, though.

The trombone.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Trombone
“If a Trombone Player pulls off the slide completely, two Lightsabers will emerge.”
“Not dancing while you play is punishable either by death or being demoted to the clarinet.”
What?! Demoted?!

The euphonium. I like the euphonium sound.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Euphonium
“An euphonuim is the cation E₃O+. It is a product of the self-ionization of euphoria.”
Very scientific, and very confusing.

The tuba. My brother plays the tuba, and I don’t know why. Mainly because he didn’t want to play the clarinet. Is the clarinet that terrible?
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Tuba
“Thou shalt learn to count (to four at least, and it can be a foreign language or Chinese.)”
If you can count up to four, then I guess you make a very good tuba player?
“PP is equal to FFF. Always.”
“Thou must remember to find thine brain after thou hast graduated.”
“In a concert band, thou must remember one thing: Tuba is always melody.”
If melody consists of a couple of long notes, then yeah, guess so.

For the drummers.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Drummer
“Complaints that the drummers speed up come from the fact that the rest of the band slow down.”
Are there any drummers out there who can’t stick to the tempo?

A lot of the stuff there’s rubbish, but still, it’s entertaining. Especially when you’ve slept most of the day through, and then you wake at 11 p.m. and can’t go back to sleep.