If you think this is a girly post, you’re dead wrong. There’s nothing really that girly about this. Okay, maybe just a little. Hey, guys use eyeliners too! Don’t think I don’t know.

JianQin told me that Mr R (his name is Rani, but to keep it short, let’s just call him Mr R, it was HuiHui’s idea, and if you want to tease JianQin about it, go ahead) knows how to apply eyeliner. I was rather stunned. Because JianQin doesn’t know how to, she only knows how to make herself look like a ghost with eyeliner, and I don’t know how to either. I have better things to do with an eyeliner. I know, I know, I’m not exactly the epitome of a feminine creature. JianQin told me that his sister applies eyeliner on him before, so I guess that’s how he learnt? So I suggested that we take lessons from him.

Let me digress for a bit, before I go on with the eyeliner issue. Something hilarious happened. JianQin and Mr R were SMSing each other a few days ago, when JianQin’s friend took her phone from her and sent “ILU” to Mr R. For your information, ILU stands for I Love You, in case no one has ever said that to you before, and you don’t know what it means. And if you don’t know what I Love You means, please search for a crowbar or anything, and whack yourself on the head, because no one loves you, too bad!

But fret not, you don’t have to die from massive bleeding and clotting in your brains. Because I’m here to explain the phenomenal of I Love You. It is simply a contagious disease where your brain will start to rot, and your eyesight will get worse. Also, you might experience severe personality disorder, and it might also cause depression, following which you’ll start to get emo and hurt yourself. Understand?

This is because when you’re in love, you can’t think properly (just look at JianQin’s past infatuations), so having a brain is absolutely unnecessary. Also, love is blind, so poke your eyes if you’re really that desperate for love, so that you might lose your sight, and then find love in the process. Also, I’ve seen people change when they’re around their object of affection (like their pet dog, cat, hamster, rabbit, fish, horse, donkey, oh yeah, and humans too). It’s like they become another person entirely, from the way they speak and act. However, the worst thing about this illness is that you might become emotionally unstable, thus hurting yourself in the process if not treated. Thus, people don’t die from the illness, although it’s terrible, but they die because of it.

I Love You is fatal 96% of the time. 2% of those cases are not fatal because people mistake infatuation for love, and the other 2% of the time, those people fall for someone else, thus curing them of the illness for the time being, until the whole vicious cycle begins once again.

Be most wary of this disease, because it is very, I repeat, VERY contagious. I strongly advise you to be on your guard, lest this disease sneaks up and ambushes you. It can be passed from person to person through sneezing, coughing, eye contact (love at first sight?) or from peer influence. Because if your friends have this disease, you’ll want to uh, go through thick and thin together, and get infected too. Thus, to prevent yourself from any harm, lock yourself up in a tower, and shave your head every month, so that your hair doesn’t grow and no prince would be able to attack you by pulling your hair and climbing up, like Prince Whatshisname in Rapunzel. Did I spell her name correctly? It must have hurt a lot. And I think that was the prince’s purpose, to hurt her as much as possible by yanking at her hair. See, told you the prince was the very reincarnate of the devil himself. Because if he really were so gallant, he would have said, “My fair lady, jump down! Trust me, I will catch you!” But then again, Rapunzel might have weighed as much as a baby elephant, I don’t know, never had the pleasure of meeting her. So yeah, moral of the story is, lock yourself up, and hack off your hair. It’s for your own good! Remember, this disease is fatal.

Anyway, that’s pure crap. If you really want to know, all you have to do it to go up to a really fugly person (important, that person must be sickeningly ugly for this to work) and tell him/her that you love him/her. I’m sure you’ll be enlightened.

That’s the end of the commercial break. We’ll now come back to the topic of eyeliners. As the name suggests, you use an eyeliner to line your eyes. However, that’s the conventional use for it. I use it too, but for a different purpose entirely.

Remember those crayons you used when you were a kid? Yeah, I used a green crayon to colour the lips of the portrait I drew, and my nursery teacher reprimanded me because it wasn’t the right colour to use. Am still rather indignant about it. Because it was a portrait I drew, so why can’t I call the shots and decide what colour to use? See, that’s the problem with our educational system. We’re drilled from young what’s “right” and what’s “wrong”, what’s “accurate” and what’s “inaccurate”, what’s “accepted” and what’s “avoided”. So don’t complain if we turn out to be boring people sorely lacking in creativity, because you reap what you sow, and by suppressing our creativity, it’s no wonder we turn out this way.

Anyway, you’re a little too old for kids’ crayons, aren’t you? Don’t you want to experiment with something more sophisticated (my ass)? And that’s where the eyeliners come in. Really fun to use.

Look at that. It was drawn by a great artist (a.k.a. Yvonne), using JianQin’s eyeliner. JianQin’s arm is weird. She kept shrieking all the time I was completing my masterpiece, because she claimed that it tickled. Strangely, none of that occurred when I was doodling, I mean, drawing, on Emily’s arm. JianQin commented that she sounded like she was being raped, because she kept screaming. That’s what she said anyway, because I have never witnessed a rape, so I wouldn’t know. Besides, I have better tastes. Oops, sorry JianQin!

It’s really smooth drawing with an eyeliner. Sort of glides across the skin. It was damn hard to wash off the eyeliner, and I had to use a lot of soap. But worth it, because I got to put my artistic skills to full use. Next time, if I ever become a famous artist, it will be because I’m the first person to use eyeliners for my works.

That’s about all for the eyeliners! Have fun! Rediscover your childhood, embrace your inner child! Gosh, this sounds like an advertisement.