Yes, I went to Geylang today, with WenPu.And no, I am not joking. What am I doing at Geylang, you ask. For the fun of it all! Still, it was rather freaky.

I don’t know why people think that I was kidding when I told them I was at Geylang. Jordan called and asked me where I was.

Jordan: Where are you? At home?
Me: No, I’m at Geylang.
Jordan: Geylang? Funny leh, where are you?
Me: I’m really at Geylang.
*Silence*

And HaoZhe SMSed me too. I told him I was at Geylang, and he asked if I went there to “eat durians”. I didn’t even know they have durians there. When I said no, he asked if I went there to shop. What’s there to shop there, unless you’re talking about shopping for sex-deprived men who would pay you for an hour or two? In the end, he finally asked if I went to work there. And of course, I couldn’t resist annoying him for a bit, and gave really vague answers.

Oh, and Jordan was funny. He told me not to get pregnant. Hahahahahaha. And he sounded worried, which entertained me greatly, because not even my mother would care. Oh wait, she doesn’t know that I’ve been to Geylang (and pretending to be a hooker too). I wonder if she’ll throw a fit if she knew?

Got to Geylang around 8 something? At night, of course, when they all come out to play. Yes, “play” is an euphemism here, but it’s not too ambiguous, is it? I wanted to know how it’s like being a hooker, so I got WenPu to walk some distance behind. Wait, why did I even want to know?

To play the role of a prostitute, you need the props. Get a dress and a pair of shoes, preferably heels, since they wear those, anything except for sneakers. After that, stand around and look pretty (some of them aren’t very pretty) mind your own business, hug a tree or a lamp post, and they’ll (the guys, I mean) flock to you. My dress was pretty low cut, I guess, but it doesn’t matter actually, because those men go for anything in a dress. Seriously! Even if you’re fugly as hell. Which reminds me of something JianKai once said: Cover the top, do the bottom. Or something like that. It’s true, because they don’t look at your face, they look at your body. Sorry, no pictures, because I looked like a whore (because I’m pretending to be one, damn you!) and because I look horrible in dresses.

Some of the whores are kind of pretty, but some are in their 50s, wrinkles, fats and everything, eww. And some look like transexuals, really, or maybe because they are? You know one when you see one! They’re all scantily clad, wear heavy make up, have big boobs (I think they’re implants!), and they hug lamp posts or lean on fences.

As I was walking down Geylang, with WenPu following surreptitiously behind, I received like, a gazillion looks. From dirty old men, to women (women?!), to curious passerby, and a policeman. Mostly men. And every time they stare, I feel like laughing. We all know why the men were looking at me. The women who did so are either wives, or store owners (mainly hawkers). The wives will give looks that say, “Get away from my husband, you whore!”. Are they that insecure? I mean, if their husbands engage in prostitution, will they still bring them to Geylang? Or maybe their husbands will bring them for dinner, then say, “Darling, take your time to finish your dinner. I have some business to conduct. Will be back in around an hour, and don’t call me because I’ll be really really busy.” The store owners stare because they’ve never seen me, I guess. And the policeman! He looked like he was trying to determine whether I was a hooker or not. He had this really bewildered look on his face, it was comical!

Initially, I walked really fast, because I was kind of afraid that they’d approach me. Which, as WenPu told me later on, was the reason why no one initiated a transaction, because they weren’t sure if I would slow down. After that, we went in to a 7-11 (there are loads of them there, you’ll see one every time you cross the street), and wondered how many boxes of condoms they can sell in a day, but he chickened out when I told him to ask. It’s lucrative business, I bet, selling condoms there.

I was also afraid of police raids. What if they catch me, call my parents and throw me into a girls’ home? So I kind of freaked whenever I see a police car. I do not aspire to go to a girls’ home. Another reason why I was scared was because of the number of prostitutes there. Gives me the feeling that they’re gangs of another sort, and I was afraid that if I tried to steal their business, they might beat me up. A cat fight (or bitch fight) can be worse than any other forms of fights. Think hair tearing, wailing, nail scratches. No thank you. And some of them should slim down, because I don’t fancy getting body slammed. Also, their make up is enough to scare anyone off. Except for the men, maybe, but then, we all know they don’t really care, not much anyway.

Let’s just say the trip there was… enlightening? Like, I actually get to witness the actual thing! How cool is that? Okay, it was a warm night. WenPu overheard this geezer telling a prostitute, “你对我好，我就对你好” which means, “If you’re good to me, I’ll be good to you”. Hmm, treat others how you want others to treat you? They’ve been teaching us that since we were kids, but I’m sure it’s not meant to be applied in this case. It was cheesy! How old is he? Practically ancient! He can even be my grandfather!

A hooker also tried to make a transaction with WenPu, because he was looking at her, and she opened her mouth, and then he fled. Coward! He should have stayed and named a price!

There was also a woman walking in front of me, a prostitute, I suppose, and when a man walked past in the opposite direction, he smacked her arse, and I was like, “WHAT?!” She barely responded, probably because she’s used to it. I, however, was stunned, and because I was walking directly behind her, I was scared that he might do the same to me. I was even wondering if that’s a common occurrence at Geylang (but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was), and if I should get my ass out of that place before I get smacked too.

I also saw a prostitute in pink (apparently, they do not wear black all the time) who tried but failed (loser!) to get an Indian customer. He was standing by his car, probably waiting for someone, because he doesn’t seem like the type, when she walked over and held his arm. He refused her, and she pestered him for a bit, before going away. When he looked over, she smiled at him. Frigging hell, he’s NOT INTERESTED! She also said something to me, in Chinese, and of course, I didn’t understand. Something about a bicycle.

You guys have to understand that it works both ways – either the prostitutes approach, or the clients do. My ego took a beating when no one approached me to solicit sex, because I find it hard to accept that they’d rather go for those uglier prostitutes. Like, how can I lose to them?! I felt slighted! But there were many stares, which made me walk away faster, so no wonder I didn’t get any requests. I didn’t notice some of them eyeing me, and WenPu told me that they only turned to look after I’ve walked past. Creepy! Then I learnt that to get clients, all you have to do is to stand there and do nothing, instead of walking about. So I did.

And when I did, I noticed 2 hookers glancing at me, probably wondering, “Is she new?” Then I saw 2 men. One of them asked, “她是不是?” (“Is she or is she not?”), and I presumed that they were referring to me, because one came over.

Mr Middle-Aged and Ugly: 你是做设么的?
(What’s your occupation?)
*I studied him a little with distaste*
Me: No thank you.
Mr Middle-Aged and Ugly: Huh?
Me: No thank you.

And I walked away. Should have told him that I was waiting for my policeman dad to fetch me up, even though that’s not true.

We crossed the road over to the other side, and I stood by the fence. A group of men walked past, looked at me, walked on, looking behind a few times, and asked among themselves, “她是不是?” (again, it means, “Is she or is she not?”). In fact, a lot of them walked past and looked at me.

After that, WenPu crossed the road to check something out, while I remained there. AND AN INDIAN TRIED TO APPROACH ME! I was thinking, “Not me! Please!” He stood next to me, and I moved away, and then he inched closer. You know he’s interested if he stares at you and comes close. Frigging hell, go away! In an attempt to get rid of him, I dug out my phone and pretended to be engrossed in something, and he moved away. Soon after, another Chinese man came.

Mr Gives-Me-The-Creeps: 小姐，你好。
Me: Sorry?
Mr Gives-Me-The-Creeps: Wah, “sorry” ah?
*And like all typical, ageing uncles who are close to dying, he pronounced it as “soli”, which disgusted me even further*
Me: Yeah?
Mr Gives-Me-The-Creeps: How much?
*I was surprised that he knew English. Then I looked at him from head to toe and back again slowly*
Me: Sorry, not interested.
*I rolled my eyes and gave him the ahlian look, the one that says, “Fuck off, bugger.”*
Mr Gives-Me-The-Creeps: Huh? Not interested ah?

And we left after that, because I was kind of terrified already. I should have just quoted a price, around S$5000? Bet he’ll disappear instantly.

It gives me a kick, really, rejecting them and speaking to them condescendingly. Like, “Are you sure you’re worth my time? Go take a look at yourself in the mirror first!”

It also gave my bruised ego a much needed boost, because there were many hookers there when I had my First Encounter with the Desperate Kind, and he picked me! Then the Indian and the dude with lousy English picked me instead of the hooker in pink! And totally ignored her! Okay, I’m happy. GOSH, WHY AM I HAPPY?! BECAUSE I LOOKED LIKE ONE?! Eww? Should I feel insulted instead? Hahahahahaha, noobs, ownage! Oops, not something I should be proud of either.

I have figured out why I don’t get that many offers. Even though I look like a whore (I cringed typing that, yeah), I don’t behave like one. I seem too young, I think, because some of them there look old and shrivelled and in dire need of botox. Real hookers flirt a lot, it’s kind of sickening (and amusing) to watch them hanging off the arms of the clients. Me, I can’t wait to get away. Real hookers also make a lot of eye contact, to attract people, I guess, while I was really cold, and I didn’t dare to look at anyone. I noticed that the second Chinese guy didn’t spend too much time flirting with me either, unlike what the rest were doing, he simply asked me “how much”. It’s like, jumping straight to the main dish without wasting time on the appetizer. Basically, it’s doing business without the pretty words.

So, evaluation? Did Yvonne pass or fail as a fake hooker? I mean, I did get looks and offers, so yes, they did believe me to be one. But attitude? Demerit!

But it was fun. Anyone interested in going to Geylang with me? Maybe I’ll then ask for exorbitant prices, and enjoy their reactions. Or record down the failed transaction attempts, and the videos will appear here! Or I’ll get a bunch of girls so that we can bully those suckers, like, make them buy dinner for us, then we run off after that. Sounds good?