It’s funny I only feel this way now. You know, when school started, everyone missed their secondary school like mad, but there I was, damn effing happy I got out.

But now it seems like everyone’s settled already, and I’m still looking for a place of my own.

Walked past the BP holding site on Thursday, and I suddenly had this urge to go in. I don’t know, I just missed BP terribly. It’s the familiarity I can’t let go, I guess.

Almost almost skipped school on Friday. Snoozed longer than usual on purpose, dawdled about, but hey, I reached school earlier.

And why did I even bother getting off the bus, when I could have just sat there mutely and gone somewhere else? I guess it’s because I just can’t let myself go that way.

The week’s been draining. Still, it’s nice to know I am not alone, that hey, at least my distress can make someone else happy.

Guess I’ve been tolerating so many things for so long that I just got tired of being nice. Talking to a friend does help after all. Nice to know there are people whom I can call anytime of the day and just whine on and on about how miserable I am.

We all have to set limits, there’s a boundary that should never ever be crossed. It’s about respecting others, realizing that this is as far as you can, and should go. Doesn’t matter which context we apply them in. It’s all the same, all the same.

Back in BP, I always had a goal. It was simply either JC, Poly, or ITE. Clear cut and simple. Now I’m not sure if I should even remain in school. I’m not going anywhere.

Got irritated by my sister recently. The reason may seem petty, but I can’t help it. All along she’s been trying to me like me, or make me be like her, but I don’t. It’s pretty ironical — when I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to dress us up similarly. Anyway, back to the part where I got really bitchy about my sister. When I was a kid, my sister and I kept bangs, because my mother wanted it to be so. Then I slid into what they call the rebellious stage, except I reached that stage rather early, like in Primary 4, and have been stuck there permanently, or so they say. So yeah, I did what I liked, lied like nothing and grew out my fringe.

Perhaps it’s nothing much, keeping my fringe long, but it meant a lot to me. We’re talking about a girl who, after every haircut, lost a few inches of hair and cried like hell. It wasn’t the boo-hoo-hoo-I’m-bald-now kind of crying, but because I was just frustrated.

So okay, I kept my hair and fringe long, and my sister still had those awful bangs then, so she made really snide comments about how ugly I looked, and kept pestering my mother to make her persuade me to cut my hair. So one fine day my mother got frustrated and yelled at her. I admit, it gave me a kick then, and I gloated inside.

And now she’s trying to be like me. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought that she’s jealous of me, when she has no reason to be. I hate this. It might make no sense, but it’s so much easier to do comparison the more similar the subjects are. The differences are more starkly contrasted. It’s more right-in-your-face. This is annoying.

Sometimes, I just wish people would let me be, I’m not actually affecting them. I went to BP, got caught, saw the Principal on a few occasions, made small talk with Tiger (more like, he made small talk), almost got myself kicked out of school, but hey, I still graduated, and even though my results weren’t stellar, they were decent at the very least. I survived that. No reason why I won’t for the next one year or so, taking into account the holidays and the study leave, and of course, the days which I plan to skip school. I made it through fine, and I still will. So fuck it all.

The efforts are futile, really. I’m fine with myself the way I am, screw what everyone else thinks. Because I’ll be damned if I’ll actually change.